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The New Teabaggers, The Liberal Tea Party Is Here

by Jason Mauve

Posted on March 13, 2017

The Liberal Teabagger

No, I Will Not Be Coming to Your 'Unity Pot Luck'

All over America, liberals are wiping the snot bubbles from their noses, mixing up some kale salads and heading over to each other's houses in order to feel lots of feelings about the new Trump presidency.

It's nice to see any sort of political engagement in America, but I guess I must have missed all the "Get out the Vote for Hillary" parties these people were throwing before the election. Because — to use an appropriate metaphor for all the fetus-hating abortionistas populating these blubberfests — maybe, if you'd put more effort into saying no when Mr. Trump was slowly inserting his tiny, orange cock into you last year, you wouldn't be spending this year desperately jamming coat hangers up your pussies.

While they can whine all they want that nobody told them Trump might win, the truth is, four months ago, liberals were more interested in blogging their Westworld theories or retweeting Lemonade videos than they were in U.S. politics. No, sharing a slowed-down video of Trump that sounds like your drunk uncle doesn’t count; being clever is not the same thing as winning a political argument.

TrumpAnd so, like a small child locked in a pedophile's basement, Democrats are left with one, hopeless option: shouting. They shout at town halls. They shout at protests. "This is what democracy looks like!" they shout. You know what looks even more like democracy? Voting. That thing you should have done four months ago.

What exactly is the aim of all this shouting? Partly, it's cathartic. Before Trump's election, liberals believed their blessed savior, "demographic change", was about to usher in an endless era of liberal enlightenment. Republicans were all about to die of old age, and baby Democrats were being born every minute. Then Trump came and rained a golden shower all over their parade. These days, most liberals wake up in the middle of the night screaming.

But, by shouting, Democrats are also playing their part in the oldest game in American politics: the cycle of hypocrisy. Every eight years or so, the political parties swap places and start doing everything they condemned the other party for.

When the Tea Party protested the election of a president who appeared to stand for everything they were against, they were delusionals who needed to accept the election results. When Republicans attempted to shut down the government to block that president's legislation, they were traitors and enemies of democracy. Now, the cycle of hypocrisy has come full circle, and what was once traitorous is again patriotic, and what was once delusional is what democracy looks like.

There are, however, differences between the Republican and Democratic hypocrisy cycles. When it comes to obstructionism, a Democrat threatening to shut down the government is about as threatening as a Democrat threatening to move to Canada, i.e., not very threatening. If a Republican threatens to shut down the government, you sit up and listen. Republicans don’t care. During the last government shutdown, there were literally kids who couldn't get their cancer treatment. Your average Republican politician had trouble shedding a single tiny tear about that, even for the photo ops.

Democratic politicians, on the other hand, are spineless little babies. They're less effective at resisting presidents than Sally Hemings. "'Weapons of mass destruction,' you say, Mr. President? I don't think we need to see any evidence. Here's your blank check." They couldn't even stand up to W; how long are they going to last when Trump starts giving them mean nicknames and tweeting about how ugly their wives are?

There is, however, a bigger difference between Republican and Democratic hypocrisy. Republican hypocrisy is not really hypocrisy. Hypocrisy is baked into their Jesus-only-loves-rich-people philosophy; hypocrisy is just a natural side effect of Republican policy. Democrats, on the other hand, like to make a big noise about how they care about stuff. And so, when a Democrat talks about caring for the environment and then hops on a plane for a holiday in Europe, that's hypocrisy. When a Democrat talks about workers' rights and then does all their shopping on Amazon or jumps in an Uber, that's hypocrisy. And, when a Democrat talks about caring for and empathizing with everyone but fails to see their place in the cycle of hypocrisy because they've written off half the nation as gun-loving, racist morons, that's hypocrisy.

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm sorry, but I'm busy next Thursday. Enjoy the kale salad.

Written By Jason Mauve

Jason Mauve runs a leading bipartisan think tank and bathes regularly.