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Amid Tragedies, Americans Wonder: What Would Camacho Do?

by RW Phields

Posted on March 27, 2017

President Camacho

Immigration. Global terrorism. Violent crime in the inner-cities. Liberal millennials. The United States is becoming a dangerous place. As President Donald J. Trump steps up to face these challenges, Americans can only hope he draws upon the wisdom of one man - a man who transcends both time and reason. That man is President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.

Luckily for humanity, the White House has recovered lost transcripts (or not yet found) of President Camacho dealing with similar situations throughout his administration. Like the situations facing Americans today, these were hard times. As President Camacho himself said, "it was some bullshit." To truly know what we need to do today, it is important to learn what President Camacho did when faced with these same challenges.

The following is an excerpt from a speech President Camacho gave following an executive order he issued regarding global terrorism:

"Alright look ... I know everybody's all scared and shit, watchin' niggas gettin' they heads chopped off on YouTube and shit. I've listened to you motherfuckers, and I've made a decision. You all want us to just stay at the crib ... not be bouncin' around in every other god damn country. Y'all think we'd be safer if we just stayed out of some shit?! DO Y'ALL MOTHERFUCKERS THINK WE'D BE SAFER IF WE JUST STAYED OUT OF SOME SHIT?!! Well this morning, I signed this here executive order that says we ain't gonna do a global goddamn thing. We all stayin' at the crib. And, if after all that shit, they still want to fuck with us, I will personally fly to everyone of those motherfuckers and stab 'em my goddamn self. Don't make me come out of retirement on these niggas."

President Camacho's words following the great deportation of 06 offered just as much guidance.

"If you gonna stay, then stay ... I don't give a shit, damn nigga. Just don't ask me for shit. You think my moms, Elenor Pepper Red Bone Camacho, took handouts when she came to this motherfucker? Hell nah! She was fightin' our rottweiller John-John against retired police drug dogs. Shit, she'd get $500 a battle. If you gonna come to this motherfucker, bring some hustle with your ass, scro!"

Finally, President Camacho's address against violent crime quickly became known as "The Knockout Speech," marking the day he knocked violence the fuck out of America's streets.

"I am sick of all this damn fightin'! Can you motherfuckers just get along, huh?! Can you motherfuckers just get along?! Well, if not, I'm gonna have to step my black ass out of the oval office, walk through every goddamn street in America with the National Guards and secret service niggas and shit, and I will Stomp.Every.One.Of.You.Motherfuckers! And I won't stop until your monkey ass understands that peace is the answer."

In conclusion, to face the many issues facing this country today, we need only to rely on the words of President Camacho:

"Stay out of shit? Don't ask for shit, and peace is the answer, or I'll stomp all you motherfuckers."

Written By RW Phields

RW Phields is an expert in figuring out how presidents from the future would handle things now.