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The Next Celebrity President

Who should run next?

by RW Phields


Posted on March 6, 2017


Celebrity President

President Donald J. Trump has made history. He has not only proven that he can beat a Clinton without losing a family member to a freak accident, but he has also proven that a person can obtain the highest political office by simply being a celebrity. Now that President Trump has broken the barriers that have kept celebrities who have never held a political office out of political office, names of people like Lebron James, Beyonce, Kanye West, Tom Brady, Kim Kardashian, and Taylor Swift are among those being circulated as possibilities for a similar run to office. Here is a breakdown of some factors they may be judged on, along with a campaign quote by the potential candidates addressing each factor.

Kanye West

Kanye West

Fame Factor: 10 - "Everybody know me."

Public Hate Factor: 9 - "10 percent haterless"

Chance of Running: 5 - "Imma prolly do it, but I don't know. I prolly will tho ... maybe."

Chance of Winning: 10 - "I win even when I lose."

Chance of Fucking Things Up Worse Than Trump: 10 - "Ah nigga you know I fuck shit up."


Tom Brady

Tom Brady

Fame Factor: 7 - "Anyone who watches sports or cheats knows who I am."

Public Hate Factor: 9 - "There's a little corner of the world called New England who thinks I'm fantastic, though."

Chance of Running: 8 - "Did you say competition? Yeah, sure, I'll do it."

Chance of Winning: 9 - "Everybody knows that I do whatever it takes to win."

Chance of Fucking Things Up Worse Than Trump: 3 - "I'm clutch in any situation."


Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift

Fame Factor: 10 - "As long as there's a teenager with a broken heart somewhere in this world, my name will be known!"

Public Hate Factor: 0 - "I'm known as 'America's Sweetheart." See how I don't stop smiling? See? See?"

Chance of Running: 0 - "Don't you have to be all old and stuff?"

Chance of Winning: 1 - "I can get a whole other album off an election loss."

Chance of Fucking Things Up Worse Than Trump: 0 - "First off ... how crude! But anyway, my record was number one in the U.S., Canada, and Australia. My words reach the most diverse white people in the world."


Taylor Swift

Beyonce

Fame Factor: 8 with Jay-Z, 9 without- "I don't care about fame. I don't think anything at all about the 423 new Twitter followers and the 567 new Facebook followers I got last month. I mean ... who's counting?"

Public Hate Factor: 1 - "My husband don't like when people be hating on me."

Chance of Running: 1 - "I don't even like what they be makin' the presidents wear."

Chance of Winning: 9 - "Who run the world!?"

Chance of Fucking Things Up Worse Than Trump: 1 - "Everything's better with a B."


Lebron James

Lebron James

Fame Factor: 5 - "5 out of 10 people watch the NBA. The other ones don't have a problem with me."

Public Hate Factor: 5 - "Half the people in Miami and Cleveland hate me. Half the country hates Miami and Cleveland, so I think that's about 50 percent."

Chance of Running: 10 - "I'm an athlete - it don't bother me to run."

Chance of Winning: 2 - "I usually get to the end, but I rarely get the big win."

Chance of Fucking Things Up Worse Than Trump: 8 - "If I can make Miami and Cleveland great again, I can make America great again."


Kim Kardashian

Kim Kardashian

Fame Factor: 6 for Kim, 9 for Kim's ass - "I have the formula for fame. Ass + Home Movie = More Fame."

Public Hate Factor: 5.8 or 58%, the approximate female population - "Every man I'm with says they love me."

Chance of Running: 1 - "I don't run ... I spin."

Chance of Winning: 1 - "Don't you like ... sweat ... when you compete?"

Chance of Fucking Things Up Worse Than Trump: 9, 10 if she tries to be productive - "I love fucking things!"


Since Kim and Beyonce probably don't care enough to run, they can be eliminated as potential winners in the next election. Due to Taylor Swift's age, she is going to have to keep practicing running the world until she reaches the old age of 35. Lebron James would be interested at first, but would likely have a hard time establishing residency because of his inability to stay in one place. This puts the race between Tom Brady and Kanye West. While it's tempting to lean on Brady after he has demonstrated his Teflon-like ability to evade prosecution and his desire to win at all costs, the victory would likely go to Kanye. Even after the votes are counted in Brady's favor and he prepares to greet his nation, Kanye grabs the microphone and explains how he really won. Amidst the confusion, a new president claims the throne, alongside First Lady Kim Kardashian.

Written By RW Phields

RW Phields is an expert in figuring out how presidents from the future would handle things now.