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Oral Sex: Who Gets the Short End of the Stick?

by Yandere-kun

Posted on April 10, 2017

Oral Sex

If you are reading this article, chances are you already know who is getting the short end of the stick when it comes to oral sex. Don't lie. You know who it is. It's okay, we can dance around the fact a little and pretend you don't know. Sometimes it's easy to forget we live in the 2010's and not the 1950's. Sexual liberation has been a problem for women for hundreds of centuries. Even in the middle of the act of actual sex, women still face bullshit when it comes to their own bodies, especially when receiving (or attempting to receive) oral sex. Let's be honest for a moment, eating out a woman isn't the same as eating out papaya or grapefruit slices as they are commonly visually compared. But if we're really being honest, sucking on a dick isn't a luxurious and decadent act. So then who has it worse when it comes to oral sex, men or women? First, let's look at some statistics.

The Journal of Sexual Medicine published a study about who is having the most orgasms and I'm surprised a shitstorm hasn't broken out.

  • Heterosexual men reported having an orgasm 85.5% of the time
  • Even gay men had orgasms 84.7% of the time
  • Sadly, heterosexual women only had orgasms 61.6% of the time
  • Lesbian women reported orgasms at a rate of 74.7%

When I look at these statistics, I'm just shaking my head, thinking 'what the hell'? How could this be? As a man, I'm proud of my ability to please and satisfy women sexually. I mean, I think most men are. At least we walk around acting proud of it, but it turns out that facade is a huge sham. I'm surprised women still want to fuck us. If I was a woman, I would definitely consider being a lesbian, because it's pretty obvious straight men aren't going to be satisfying me. 61% of the time is a bit ridiculous. It's close to 50%. Which means, there's a 50/50 chance I won't be having an orgasm if I was a woman getting down with a straight man.

But those are just orgasm statistics, what about oral sex? Oh boy, I hate to break it to you, but these stats are even worse. If these statistics served as a grade report for men, then we would be failing. In various published studies, women are twice as likely to give oral sex than men. Only 10% of men reported giving oral sex to a woman. I bet you were expecting something around 40 to 60 percent. Oh, you. Let's get real. Why is this? Why are we so reluctant to give back to women when it comes to oral sex?

I sat down with my 'bros' to ask them why they don't eat out women because statistics show nine out of ten of my buddies love to receive but not give. Here is what they said:

"I just don't like to man. It's always wet and smells kind of funny and I know the wetness isn't from sweat."
-Joseph T. 22

"Girls don't like it when I put my head down there. Even if I ask, they won't let me eat them out, dude."
-Thomas L. 21

"Well, one time I ate a girl out and I tore my frenulum on the underside of my tongue. It snapped from rubbing on my bottom teeth too much while I was licking her up. Oral sex is fun, but it isn't worth the pain. I won't be doing that again."
-Brandon A. 21

"Why? Girls don't really enjoy it as much as I enjoy a blowjob. I'm not gonna put my face down there if she isn't going to enjoy it anyways."
-Blake H. 23

"I had an Italian girlfriend who was a little bit hairy down there, so it smelled really bad. I ate her out because it was the right thing to do, but I really didn't want to. Later, I dated another girl and eating her out was like licking an arm. It tasted like clean skin. It was nice. Ever since her, I refuse to eat out any girl unless she is clean shaven and tastes like an arm and that's really rare."
-Brandon A. 21 (Again.)

There's a lot of mansplaining going on here. Most of my friends didn't like giving oral sex like I expected after hearing the statistics. I guess I just didn't want it to be true. The reality of the stats set in after talking to them about it. Straight men are often skipping out on female oral sex. Even in porn, there are hardcore blowjob scenes, but almost always skips cunnilingus.

I'll share a personal story. I'm a bisexual man dating and living with another man. This is more of a horror story than anything else. One day my boyfriend asked for a blowjob and I gave him one, but in the middle of it, I thought to myself, "Whoa man. This smells a little bit more rancid than normal. It tastes very bitter. Was it the pizza he ate yesterday?" These sensations were very unusual for me as I am partially scent deaf due to an illness, so being able to smell something means it must be very strong. After we were done, he laughed and confessed he had been to the gym and hadn't showered in three days. What the hell? How can we, as men, expect women to suck our sweaty ass balls, full of unkempt pubes but still refuse to go down on them because it looks and tastes a little funny? Penises and vaginas aren't made out of candy, we all know but they are both on the same level of gross. They're genitals, so why don't we just keep it fair and even out these statistics?

So who is having the last laugh here? It seems that both lesbian women and gay men are. I won't be surprised if straight women break out their pitchforks when they learn about the oral sex gender gap. We won't be able to keep it a secret much longer.

Written By Yandere-kun

Yandere-kun, a 23-year-old bisexual transgender man who has orally sexist and disappointing friends.