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What the 50 Shades Books Got Wrong. Observations from a real S&M practitioner.

by Jim Nachos

Posted on February 13, 2017

Everything that's wrong with 50 Shades of Grey

Fifty Shades of Grey was probably incredibly eye-opening for your mom. That's right, your mom read the book. It made her feel funny - real funny, you know, down there. Bet that made you feel really fucking uncomfortable, didn't it? Like something you love just got tarnished forever.

Well, that's kind of how I feel about Fifty Shades of Grey. I mean, I'm not quite as grossed out about it as the whole thing with your mom. I could care less about your mom (unless she's cute - then she can call me). I do, however, care an awful lot about BDSM. It's kind of my thing, in the way that absently reminding you that you're putting on a little bit of weight is your mom's thing.

Unfortunately though, this book goes out of its way to completely ruin something I love. Do you know how awkward it is to have someone try and quote lines about special 'play rooms' when you're trying to get them hooked into a harness? Do you know what it's like to expect someone to take you on magic adventures when all you want to do is whip the shit (sometimes literally) out of them? No. You don't. Because of that damn book.

Without further ado, let's look at how that stupid book got everything wrong.

#1: We Don't Have Tragic Fucking Backstories

Okay, do you know what I hate about media's depiction of S&M? It's that everyone who practices it is deeply damaged. In the book, Christian Grey is a sadist not because it's fun (and holy shit, it is!), but because of his tragic backstory of being abandoned by his mom and then essentially raped by some creepy old chick. Does this happen in real life? Probably. But most of us have incredibly boring pasts.

My parents are normal. So are my siblings. I'm totally normal in my day job, and I've certainly never tried to buy anyone's job because I am a sadist. Granted, that'd be awesome, but it's not exactly real. Instead, I'm just a pretty typical guy who likes to tie women up and see how much I can fit in their butts. Spoiler alerts, ladies - way more than you think.

#2: We Don't Have Sexy Contract Negotiations

So, there's this whole thing in the BDSM community called SSC - safe, sane, consensual. In some cases, this means we put together contracts with one another. This is, generally speaking, something you do in a relationship between a dom and a sub that doesn't just extend to the bedroom. We totally put into place not just limits, but what we expect from one another. I've done this a time or two, but it's not really my thing.

You know why it's not my thing? Because most of the time, I am meeting up with borderline strangers to dress them up like human ponies. We got together not through an intense contract negotiation progress, but because we frequented the same websites and clubs and made a mutual agreement to do nasty stuff to one another. If there's a contract, you can guarantee it came after we did something supremely fucked up and decided it would be fun to try again in the future.

#3: We Don't Freak Out

You know what else we don't do in the community? We don't invite people to smack the shit out of us and then run away like they, you know, abused us. That's right, Anastasia - you're awful, and he didn't do anything wrong.

I believe in the proper care and feeding of my subs as much as anyone else. I make sure they are fed and watered and let out of their cages regularly, you know? And I certainly don't advocate doing stuff to them they don't like. That's why safe words are invented. If one of my special friends yells out "rutabaga", it's not just going to stop me from amping up the juice on the nipple clamps - it's going to make me softer than play-do. It's just how we role.

You know what WOULD piss me off, though? If one of them didn't say anything the whole time, and then ran off. I'd wonder what the hell they were expecting, you know? You don't go into the room of the guy who has a fucking giant set of manacles attached to his ceiling and then freak out when he suggests a little light caning.

If Fifty Shades is anything, it's an indictment of bringing some weird vanilla chick into your world. We're not monsters over here, but the people who pretend they're into our stuff and then freak out when you zip them into a mask kind of are. Fifty Shades will warp your view of BDSM, and that's just terrible - your view needs to be warped in the happy, wholesome manner that can come only from being lovingly disciplined by a dude in black leather.

Call me.

Written By Jim Nacho

Cares an awful lot about BDSM and is not a fan of shitty movies based on shitty e-books.