Posted on February 13, 2017
Since the film "Idiocracy" was released, we all know the future of the American political system. Yes, it is one in which we can all take comfort, when gobbling burgers and watching giant, exhibition-style death matches will determine the state of our great union. But let's take a look at our current cabinet, and see how close it is to reaching the high standard set by his excellence, former wrestling and porn superstar, Mr. President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho. Using a highly sophisticated point system, we'll put these two cabinets side by side and see who comes out ahead.
Trump's pick: Rex Tillerson, Exxon Mobile Shill
Camacho's pick: Carl's Jr. Shill
Although Rex Tillerson does have something going for him by not having any government experience whatsoever, it seems he is a bit lacking when you consider that he sponsors himself as CEO of Exxon Mobile. Camacho's man, on the other hand, is smart enough to get Carl's Jr. to sponsor him. In fact, every time he says their name, he gets paid! Talk about a go-getter. Even though it's the best Trump could do on such short notice, we still have to give the edge to Camacho here.
Camacho: 1 Trump: 0
Trump's pick: General James Mattis
Camacho's pick: Knows that Brawndo's got electrolytes
Okay, got to give it to Trump that he at least got someone who has a decent amount of experience in defense. Camacho's pick, on the other hand, is really only smart enough to know that the Secretary of Education is an idiot, while admitting that, "...Still, he does a good job, though." Although it's another close one, we'll give Mattis the point here, since he doesn't think plants need electrolytes to survive.
Camacho: 1 Trump: 1
Trump's pick: Former Texas Governor Rick Perry
Camacho's pick: Some Random Kid
Rick Perry would be a good choice if he hadn't already declared that he wanted the position eliminated from the cabinet itself; the man wants to lead a cabinet he doesn't even think should exist. All things considered, that's not too far away from Camacho's kid who wins a contest to be a cabinet member. Camacho's Head of Energy is young though, and has his whole life ahead of him to make smarter decisions. Point goes to Camacho, hands down.
Camacho: 2 Trump: 1
Trump's pick: Jeff Sessions
Camacho's pick: "Fun Bags"
It's easy to see how Jeff Sessions got picked by the Trump Administration, as the man has many times alluded to supporting the Ku Klux Klan, made derogatory comments to African American attorneys, and called a white attorney who took on a voting-rights case a "traitor to his race." Yikes. While he's definitely dumb enough to sit on Camacho's cabinet, he is lacking in the "looks" department, something Attorney General "Fun Bags" of Camacho's cabinet has in spades. Besides, we'd rather have an Attorney General who is suspicious of plants being fed water than this racist bigot.
Camacho: 3 Trump: 1
Trump's pick: Betsy DeVos
Camacho's pick: Possibly Retarded
What's better for a country than taking away funding for our public schools? In fact, Betsy DeVos may prove to be one of the best cabinet members at making "Idiocracy" a reality. Charter schools and vouchers will increase, and no doubt funding for public and free education will decrease. Perhaps Camacho's pick was a result of such low funding. Today, I think we'd rather have Camacho's Secretary of Education. Just look at him, he's so stupid that he's harmless. And doing absolutely nothing will no doubt be better than whatever DeVos has in mind.
Camacho: 4 Trump: 1
Trump's pick: Representative Ryan Zinke of Montana
Camacho's pick: Corporal Joe Bauers a.k.a. "Not Sure"
This nomination is already way behind Camacho's pick. Ryan Zinke proudly supports mining and drilling and is one of those endearing skeptics of climate change, which makes him not quite the sharpest crayon in the box. Although you would think that he'd fit right in with Camacho's cabinet, the Camacho administration has a surprisingly liberal stance on environmentalism. They at least care that all of their plants are dying, which is why they hire the smartest man in the world as Secretary of the Interior. It's probably the Camacho Administration's best move, and one that you wouldn't expect in a million years from the Trump Administration, whose anti-intellectualism movement disregards intelligence in lieu of loud-mouthed bigotry.
Camacho: 5 Trump: 1
Well, there you have it. The Trump Administration could not hold up to the high standards set by President Camacho. Maybe Trump should go back to professional wrestling or get into porn before he decides it's a good idea to try and run the country. Or at least do his research, for pity's sake.
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