Posted on April 3, 2017
What is with the political climate lately? We put Donald "The Pussy-Grabber" Trump in office. We're finally defending our borders from the onslaught of illegal aliens that have been flooding into our proud country for decades. We're getting rid of that pinko-liberal healthcare act that former President "I'm Black" Obama forced upon us like an unwelcome cock at a frat party, and we're befriending Russia - a potential ally that's been overlooked for far too long.
Why is everyone bitching?
I can't force idiots to see reason, but I can point out the benefits of having Russia as our friend in bite-sized, understandable chunks. 'Cause I'll be honest - if I see one more fucking post on Facebook or Twitter about 'Oh no, Putin is evil!!!!', I may just lose my goddamn mind.
Let the listicle commence!
1. - Think about the vodka.
Where would our country be without vodka? How many heifers have gotten laid due to vodka? How many forays into bareback adventures began with it? How many parties have really taken off thanks to it? With Russia balls deep in our asses, we'll see a drastic decrease in the price of this party VIP.
If you don't understand the importance of this miracle, then maybe you should drink more. Seriously, go right now and get some vodka. Knock it back on the way home and then do some soul searching.
You'd think it'd be cheap as potatoes, but the good shit's actually really expensive. Some of that shit is filtered through fucking diamonds.
2. - Every day will be like an action movie.
We all know what Russia is REALLY known for. Sure they have potatoes and whores and their own unique brand of ingenuity, but their hardcore, badass gangsters stand out more than possibly anything else.
These dirty hoodlums with no heart and a cruel streak a mile long will flood our streets. Fuck immigration! We're only keeping the brown people out! Russians won't immigrate so much as assimilate. Do you understand the difference?
With more Russians on our streets, boredom will be a thing of the past! We'll constantly be looking over our shoulders, ducking into shops to hide, praying that our homes will still be standing when we get there, and wondering how many people we know will be sold into white slavery.
Completely fucking epic!
3. - Russia can help us counterbalance China.
I mean, have you see how tiny the Chinese are? Compare them to Russians, who are notoriously tall and strong. Those fuckers are spry! Sure, the Chinese have karate, but Russia has assassins. And big guns. If we had Russia on our side, China would be too afraid to do shit to us. Also, if Russia were to work with the US, we might get all those mass-produced sweatshop goodies from China at more equitable rates.
If you don't believe me, fuck you. You clearly don't know shit about political alliances anyway! Just try to wrap your head around the fact that a Russia-USA thing is good, 'kay?
4. - Discount brides.
Let's be honest, feminism has ruined American women. The only thing they're good for now is fucking. They lie, cheat, bring in equal pay, have opinions. That's just not what men want.
Russian women know how to be good wives and mothers. They know that they should feel lucky to have someone willing to put up with all their bullshit. And while they were already pretty cheap, the Trump-Putin love affair all but promises an even lower price.
These women understand the importance of cooking, cleaning, loyalty, and can fuck like champions. Not only did President Putin endorse the idea, if you go to more fun websites you can see Russian women winning fucking championship after fucking championship. Yes, I do mean a balls out, gang-bang, dirty fucking championship.
Who said you couldn't buy happiness? Feminists, that's who.
5 - A marriage between world leaders can't hurt, right?
I mean, sure, when you think of Russia, you probably don't think of a world power. They're pretty shit. They're basically Mexicans. It's just that they happen to be white, and their president fought a fucking bear. That alone is enough to win some respect. When's the last time you did something so manly? Sorry, I'm getting a bit wet... distracted... you know what I mean.
Everyone likes having friends, right? And when you have lots of friends, you can always count on a loan or a ride or someone to hang out with or someone to share secrets with. World leaders need friends, too.
As far as I'm concerned, a Trump-Putin friendship can only lead to the stimulation of the economy, a plethora of trickle-down benefits, and an easier route to stolen credit card information.
Seriously, what the fuck are people so worried about? If you want to waggle that jaw so much, why not join in the gang-bang and put it to good use?
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